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John White discusses the important topic of relinquishment in his book, Parents in Pain.  Relinquishment is the remedy for parents who are co-dependent.  To relinquish our children is to set them free.  The earlier we relinquish them the better.  If we unthinkingly view them as objects designed for our pleasure and happiness, we may destroy their freedom.  In the process, we may cripple ourselves.  Having made our children necessary to our happiness, we can so depend on them that we grow incapable of managing without them (p. 164).
What is relinquishment?  First, consider what it is not.  It is not avoiding our parental responsibilities.  Nor is it failure to teach respect and gratitude.  It is not abandonment of our authority as a parent.  Neither does it mean to abandon our children.
Second, consider what it is.  Relinquishment is giving our children back to God.  It means to release those controls that arise from needless fears or from selfish ambition.  Have you ever met a super controlling mother or father?  Sometimes we call them “helicopter” moms or dads.  They hover over every little detail of their children’s lives.  They live vicariously through their children.  Their happiness is so intertwined with their children that they cannot imagine life without them.  They manipulate their children out of their own needs and fears.  White lists eight aspects of relinquishment that every parent should consider.  I have intermingled some of my own thoughts with his ideas.  These concepts must be considered with regard to the age of our children.  Parenting involves a progession from the total dependence of our children on us when they are first born to their independence as functioning adults.  As parents navigate this transition, they must continually change and help their children grow to maturity.
(1)  Relinquishment means to forsake the right to be proud.  It is normal to want children you can be proud of (rejoice in), but you do not have the right to demand that they fulfill your dreams.  Some parents want to realize in their children’s lives what they failed to realize in their own.  Parents must learn to admit and control their own anxieties and fears.  They must control their jealousy in the presence of parents whose children have succeeded where theirs have failed.  They must learn to boast in God’s goodness and the privilege of being parents rather than their own parenting prowess.
(2)  Relinquishment means to give up the right to uninterrupted enjoyment of  your children.  Children bring both joy and pain.  We can poison enjoyment unless we are prepared to relinquish our right to it.  One father attempted to buy the affection of his children.  He purchased summer cottages by a lake for them so they would be close to him.  His children agreed to the arrangement thereby selling their independence.  He had clipped their wings.  They could not soar because his happiness was tied to them.  We cannot demand that our children contribute unselfishly to our happiness.  We do not have that right.  Joy in our children is a privilege not a right.  If I have thought it was a right, I must relinquish it.
(3)  Relinquishment means to give up my right to possess my children.  Parents do not and must not own their children.  Some parents cling to their children and make unbelievable demands on them.  A widow clung to her daughter until the age of 30.  She made demands on her daughter.  She told her she had to stay with her.  She made her obey her.  She told her daughter the tasks she had to carry out, the clothing she was allowed to wear and the time she could leave the house.  This is an example of parental abuse.  Parents must let go.
(4)  Relinquishment means to be willing to forego any repayment for what you have done for your children.  Parents sometimes make their children feel guilty for all that they (the parents) have done for them.  The apostle Paul teaches that parents lay up for the children not children for the parents (II Cor. 12:14).  Love freely gives expecting nothing in return.  Teach your children to be grateful, but do not demand gratitude.  Gratitude must be freely given as an act of love.  The heart must be free to express this love.  Parents, renounce your right to birthday cards, presents, Christmas gifts, anniversary surprises, etc.  If you demand these things, it will poison your relationship with your child.
(5)  Relinquishment means to give up your right to uninterrupted tranquility.  To have children means that you will almost always have problems.  The problems may be large or small.  They will arise when you least expect them.  They happen without regard to your plans, convenience, health, or finances.  Give up your pride.  Give up your immunity from gossip.  You can control your own behavior, but you cannot control the behavior of your children.
(6)  Relinquishment means to trust God about your children rather than your own ability to manage their lives.  Wise counsel is just that.  You cannot control your children’s decisions or force your will on them.  God does not control us like that.  Give them up to God.  If they give up on God, God will give them over to uncleanness, vile affections, and a  reprobate mind (Rom. 1:18-32).  Every sinner mentioned in the Bible was someone’s son or daughter.  All need Christ, because all need to be forgiven.  Imperfect parents do not raise perfect children.  Teach them God’s will and exemplify it to them daily.  By doing this, you can sow principles of truth and righteousness in their hearts, but you cannot force them to be righteous.  Every person must come to God on the same terms:  love and faith.  Don’t underestimate the power of God, the power of truth, the power of the love of Christ, or the power of hope.  It is not your power as a parent that will save them it is God’s.
(7)  Relinquishment means to allow your children to face pain, tragedy and even death.  Parents must allow children to face the consequences of their own choices and actions.  You reap what you sow (Gal. 6:7-9).  You cannot protect your children from themselves.  Some parents never let go.  A child can be in his/her mid-thirties and have been married and divorced  yet, parents still cover misdemeanors, court expenses and bouncing checks.  To relinquish your children is to let them face life for themselves.
(8)  Relinquishment is a giving up of your own delusions about your power.  Parents must give up the delusion that they have the power to determine the destinies of their children.  Sometimes we think that we can make our children different, accelerate their development, change their habits, likes or dislikes, but this is a waste of energy.  They feel the power we attempt to exert on them and resent it.  They feel unaccepted.  When we attempt to change our children through sheer force of will we usually end up in a battle of wills.  Parents will lose this type of warfare.  The greatest power parents have is love.  Unleash the power of love in  your home and you will see a difference.
Hannah relinquished much (I Sam. 1:1-2:11).  She gave up her right to possess Samuel.  She gave up her right to enjoy his early years.  She gave up her right to be proud before her rival, Peninnah.  She gave up her right to control Samuel.  She gave up her right to be repaid for all of her tears.  She did not know that her son would change the destiny of Israel.  She gave him up to God.  The fashioning of such a man was the work of God.  Parents are intruments of God to teach, guide, influence, and love their children for His glory.  But, all parents will ultimately give their children over to God.  Their children will either stand in God’s redeeming love or face His wrath.  In the end, children will choose and define their own relationship with God just like we did and do.  That’s the way it is with every person that comes into the world.